当你惹别人生气了怎么办？
　　I was running late. My wife Eleanor and I had agreed to meet at the restaurant at seven o'clock and it was already half past. I had a good excuse in the form of a client meeting that ran over and I wasted no time getting to the dinner as fast as possible.
　　迟到了。我跟老婆埃莉诺约好7点在饭店见面来着，现在已经7点半了。我的理由还算充分：因为跟某个客户有约，所以只能先忙完再马不停蹄赶来一起吃晚饭。
　　When I arrived at the restaurant, I apologized and told her I didn't mean to be late.
　　赶到饭店后，我急忙跟老婆道歉：我不是故意要迟到的。
　　She answered: "You never mean to be late." Uh oh, she was mad.
　　她回道：“你什么时候故意迟到过？”呃，看来老婆生气了。
　　"Sorry," I retorted, "but it was unavoidable." I told her about the client meeting. Not only did my explanations not soothe her, they seemed to make things worse. That started to make me angry.
　　“对不起，”我说，“但事情真的推不开。”接下来就是我要跟客户见面如何如何……可是，我越解释越是火上浇油，最后连我自己也气得不行。
　　That dinner didn't turn out to be our best.
　　自然，那顿晚饭也吃得不开心。
　　Several weeks later, when I was describing the situation to a friend of mine, Ken Hardy, a professor of family therapy, he smiled.
　　几个星期后，我把这件事告诉了朋友肯-哈迪。肯是家庭治疗方面的专家。听完我的诉说，他笑了。
　　"You made a classic mistake," he told me.
　　“你可真是犯了一个典型的错误。”他说。
　　"Me? I made the mistake?" I was only half joking.
　　“啥？是我做错了吗？”我半开玩笑问道。
　　"Yes. And you just made it again," he said. "You're stuck in your perspective: You didn't mean to be late. But that's not the point. The point is that you were late. The point — and what's important in your communication — is how your lateness impacted Eleanor."
　　“当然是你错了，刚才就是。”他说。“你一直从自己的立场强调‘我不是故意迟到的’，但这不是问题的关键，关键是你确实迟到了，而且你的迟到确实影响到了埃莉诺。”
　　In other words, I was focused on my intention while Eleanor was focused on the consequences. We were having two different conversations. In the end, we both felt unacknowledged, misunderstood, and angry.
　　这样说来，我只一味强调我的本意，而埃莉诺看重的却是结果。所以，我俩讲的话根本就风马牛不相及，最后自然都会因为分歧和误解而生气了。
　　The more I thought about what Ken said, the more I recognized that this battle — intention vs. consequences — was the root cause of so much interpersonal discord.
　　肯的话，我越想越觉得这种“本意VS结果”的争论正是很多人际关系不和的根本原因。
　　As it turns out, it's not the thought that counts or even the action that counts. That's because the other person doesn't experience your thought or your action. They experience the consequences of your action.
　　事实表明，争吵的根源不在于你怎么想或你做了什么，毕竟别人体会不到你的想法或行为，别人体会到的是你的行为所带来的后果。
　　Here's another example: You send an email to a colleague telling him you think he could have spoken up more in a meeting.
　　举例来说：你给同事发了封邮件，说你觉得他本可以在会议上多做点发言。
　　He replies to the email, "Maybe if you spoke less, I would have had an opportunity to say something!"
　　他回复邮件说：“或许，要是你能少说一点，我就有机会插上两句了吧！”
　　That obviously rankles you. Still, you send off another email trying to clarify the first email: "I didn't mean to offend you, I was trying to help." And then maybe you add some dismay at the aggressiveness of his response.
　　这种话显然激怒了你，但你又发了一封邮件进行解释：“我不是要找你茬，只想提点意见罢了。”又或许，因为同事的回复太过分，你在邮件里也添油加醋了一番。
　　But that doesn't make things better. He quotes the language of your first email back to you. "Don't you see how it reads?" He asks. "BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!" You write back, IN CAPS.
　　可这么一来，事情反倒更糟。他把你第一封邮件的原话拷贝给你，反问道：“那你这是写的什么？”你特地用大写字母回邮以示强调：“我不是那个意思！”
　　So how do you get out of this downward spiral?
　　如此恶性循环……怎么办呢？
　　It's stunningly simple, actually. When you've done something that upsets someone — no matter who's right — always start the conversation by acknowledging how your actions impacted the other person. Save the discussion about your intentions for later. Much later. Maybe never. Because, in the end, your intentions don't matter much.
　　其实，办法超级简单。当你惹别人生气了，甭管谁对谁错，先主动开口为自己的言行向对方道歉。至于你本意如何，以后再说，或者永远都别罗里吧嗦地解释，因为最后你的本意并不那么重要。
　　What if you don't think the other person is right — or justified — in feeling the way they do? It doesn't matter. Because you're not striving for agreement. You're going for understanding.
　　要是你觉得完全是对方做错了或有失偏颇呢？那也没什么大不了的。又不是非得意见完全一致，只要能相互理解就行了。
　　What should I have said to Eleanor?
　　那我该怎么跟埃莉诺解释？
　　"I see you're angry. You've been sitting here for 30 minutes and that's got to be frustrating. And it's not the first time. Also, I can see how it seems like I think being with a client gives me permission to be late. I'm sorry you had to sit here waiting for so long."
　　“生气啦？等了半个钟头，很不开心吧？唉，我老让你这样等我，老是因为客户而耽误你，让你等我这么长时间，真心对不起啊。”
　　All of that is true. Your job is to acknowledge their reality — which is critical to maintaining the relationship. As Ken described it to me: "If someone's reality, as they see it, is negated, what motivation do they have to stay in the relationship?"
　　这么说也都句句属实，还能保证俩人关系和好如初。就像肯告诫我的那样：“如果人们觉得自己被忽视了，那还有什么理由相信这段关系呢？”
　　In the email back and forth I described earlier, instead of clarifying what you meant, consider writing something like: "I could see how my criticizing your performance — especially via email — feels obnoxious to you. How it sounds critical and maybe dismissive of your efforts in the meeting."
　　再看我前面提到的“邮件拉锯战”。与其不断强调你的本意，不如试着这样写：“我在邮件上指正你的表现显然让你感到不爽了。这些话带有批评意味，可能还抹煞了你在会议上的付出。”
　　I said this was simple but I didn't say it was easy.
　　我说这很简单，但并不表示这做起来很容易。
　　The hardest part is our emotional resistance. We're so focused on our own challenges that it's often hard to acknowledge the challenges of others. Especially if we are their challenge and they are ours. Especially when they lash out at us in anger. Especially when we feel misunderstood. In that moment, when we empathize with them and their criticism of our behavior, it almost feels like we're betraying ourselves.
　　最难的就是我们会从情绪上产生抵触。我们总是专注于自己的挑战，常常忽略他人的困境——特别是当他人的困境就是由我们造成、我们又因此被激怒时，更难以承认。这时，如果我们认同对方的立场以及对方对我们的苛责，那就等于扇自己耳光了。
　　But we're not. We're just empathizing.
　　所以我们不会认同对方，而只会一味强调。
　　Here's a trick to make it easier. While they're getting angry at you, imagine, instead, that they're angry at someone else. Then react as you would in that situation. Probably you'd listen and let them know you see how angry they are.
　　下面这个方法可以让事情变简单一点。当对方向你发火时，试着想象他是在向其他人发火，然后你设身处地体会一下，或许你会倾听并发现双方真的很生气啊。
　　And if you never get to explain your intentions? What I have found in practice — and this surprised me — is that once I've expressed my understanding of the consequences, my need to justify my intentions dissipates.
　　要是一直没机会解释你的本意呢？事实上，我意外地发现，一旦我理解了结果造成的麻烦，也就不再想去解释我本意如何如何了。
　　That's because the reason I'm explaining my intentions in the first place is to repair the relationship. But I've already accomplished that by empathizing with their experience. At that point, we're both usually ready to move on.
　　原因在于，我一开始急于解释本意不外是为了弥补俩人关系，但通过站在对方立场考虑，我不已经达到这个目的了嘛？如此一来，俩人也都尽释前嫌了。
　　And if you do still feel the need? You'll still have the opportunity, once the other person feels seen, heard, and understood.
　　要是你还想作出解释呢？那么，机会也还是有的——只要对方看上去已经明白并理解你的处境。
　　If we succeed in doing all this well, we'll often find that, along with our relationships, something else gets better: our behavior.
　　如果我们能做好这一点，不仅人际关系会变好，我们的言行也会渐渐改变呢。
　　After that last conversation with Eleanor — after really understanding the consequences of my lateness on her — somehow, someway, I've managed to be on time a lot more frequently.
　　自从上次跟埃莉诺争执后，我切身体会到了自己的迟到给她带来的麻烦，正因如此，不知不觉间，我竟变得越来越准时了！
　　（实习编辑：于晓伟）
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阅读排行榜当你喜欢的女人在你面前发脾气 你会选择怎么办？_百度知道
当你喜欢的女人在你面前发脾气 你会选择怎么办？
我有更好的答案
忍受啊 你喜欢她
就要包容她的一切。她脾气好时
喜欢不好了 就不喜欢了 哪有这样的事啊。不能只喜欢晴天
不喜欢雨天吧
发的小脾气 当作是一种 很幸福的事
她要不和你发脾气
去和别的男人
那你还算是 她的男人么
跟你发脾气
她和你最亲
在爱的时候。懂得珍惜 真正的爱情，是在无法爱的时候，懂得放手 因为，放手才是拥有了一切…… 请在珍惜的时候,好好去爱
在放手的时候,好好祝福…… 爱这个东西谁都说不清，但是有一点我可以肯定，因为这件事是我亲身经历，爱可以让你为对方做任何事，说任何话，爱就是无条件的为对方付出，做任何事做有意义的事情！即使一个人也不会孤独..................
听她发完 等她没事的时候再和她理论
不能接受就不要在一起.
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我们会通过消息、邮箱等方式尽快将举报结果通知您。不知从何时起，每当心烦意乱的时候就喜欢发脾气，而对象往往是那些最在乎你，最关心你的人，说白了无非就是因为别人太在乎你，太宠爱你而已，而自己因为知道无论如何她都不会离自己而去的，故而肆意发泄自己的情绪，随意宣泄自己的情感。
其实每个人都会有心烦的时候，每个人也都会有心累的那一刻，却没有几个人有正确的疏通方式，有选择隐忍的，有选择压抑的，有选择肆意发泄的，而更多的人则选择了在错误的时间对错误的人发泄了自己的郁闷情绪，错误的时间是因为别人往往也处于心烦的时候，而错误的对象则是因为那些人往往都是最在乎你的人，只是因为太在乎而纵容了你的肆无忌惮，为所欲为。
有时候静下心来想想，如果不是她们的无私奉献怎会有我们今日的辉煌？如果不是她们一再的忍让宽容，怎会有我们现在的幸福？人心都是肉长的，不要以为她们就会冷血而不知痛，不要认为她们就是麻木而不知伤心的人，只是因为她们的过于在乎而选择了隐忍，选择了忍受。
真正懂事的人就应该学会感恩，学会控制自己的情绪，学会调节自己的心情，不要因为别人的在乎而放纵自己的情绪，不要因为别人的真爱而肆意的宣泄自己的心绪，越是在乎你的人越会为你付出，不为你有所回报，不为你会因此感恩，只因为她真正的关心你，真正的在乎你，而事实又有几人能够明了她们的用心？几人能够读懂她们的良苦用心？
真正在乎你的那个人，从来不在乎你的过去，但她会很在乎你的现在，因为你的过去已经成为过去，而现在必须不让她再失望，不再失落，她在你身上寄托了太多的厚望，太多的期盼，你所能做的，或者说最应该做到的就是让自己成功，不让她再失望，不再绝望。
扪心自问一下，当你的心累了，当你心烦的时候，你会选择何种方式发泄自己心中的郁闷，选择何种方法宣泄自己的不满情绪？是否会因为最亲近的人的一句话而勃然大怒？是否会因为最爱的人的一个动作而大动干戈？或许在你的勃然大怒中发泄了自己压抑已久的苦闷，又或者在你的大动干戈中宣泄了自己隐忍已久的委屈，但是你可曾知道，就是因为你的肆无忌惮，就是因为你的为所欲为，你伤了别人多少，让别人心寒到何种程度？
你从不曾知道过，你只知道自己得到了发泄，得到了释放，却将自己的苦闷情绪强制的发泄在别人身上，而自己却依然我形我素，未曾反省过，未曾内疚过，只因为别人对你的在乎，对你的爱。
佛家有云，因果循环，不要以为你现在所做的一切都是理所当然，不要以为别人对你关心在乎是上辈子欠你的，其实一切的一切都是你在为后半生的生活埋下应有的因，当你承担应有的果时可能就会后悔莫及，但却已是悔之晚矣，每做一件事的时候都要扪心自问是否对得起自己的良心，每当遇到善良的人的时候都要反思自己是否对得起别人的良苦用心。
不要总活在自己的世界里，盲目自大，不要总活在别人的世界里，迷失自我，活在当下，活出自我，品味人生，用心生活，活出真我，守住自我。Sina Visitor System《好看》依托百度技术，精准推荐优质短视频内容，懂你所好，量身打造最适合你的短视频客户端！